Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
