I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
