When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
