if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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