forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
