Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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