I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
