i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
