"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
this is an emotional support booty call
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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