I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
