If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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