We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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