Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Randomize