It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
the day after is always just damage control
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
