You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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