My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
