Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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