she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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