maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
