perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
