maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
