I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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