I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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