I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
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