So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
