That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
3pm strippers are depressing
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
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