I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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