My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
