He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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