dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
