she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize