First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize