we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Semen is not good for contacts.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
