i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
