How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
