If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
