i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
