I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
