All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
