Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
