i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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