I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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