we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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