I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
