bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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