wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
