When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
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