im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
