I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
