I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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