I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
