I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
The adults are the big ones right?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
