do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
