I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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