He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
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