Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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