At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
