it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize