So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
