I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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