I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
