you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
