Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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