Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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