me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
