dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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