I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
