APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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