are you still at the devil's house?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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