i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Randomize
