So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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