you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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