If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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