Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
