i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
