hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
