I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
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